Ridiculous

With first-hand experience with the college admissions process, I've decided to create a new standard for selecting students.

1. Physical strength - Physical strength? Why choose such a bestial attribute? College is meant to sharpen and prepare us for the challenges of the real world; the real world is a scary place. Let's say you just bought an iPhone because your awesome job affords you a $600 phone, and some guy tries to steal it. You have to be able to defend yourself! Otherwise your hard earned paycheck will go the way of a sneaky pickpocket.

2. Lack of conscience - Are you a danger to others? Then you are a perfect match for a top notch university! Consider the business world today; with something as old school as a conscience, your business will be quickly left behind by the corporations who have no problem destroying the souls of some poor business owner. Plus, without a conscience you will easily fit in on a reality show, such as "The Real World Hurts" or "Survive...Literally we will kill you on air." And if that doesnt put money in the bank, try politics. Destroying someones public image is not easy when you actually feel bad, so ditch the conscience and get to work!

3. Clones - That's right, clone yourself. Colleges crave the USNews rankings, and they climb the list by denying more and more people. If you clone yourself 20 times, a college can afford to admit you and reject your 19 clones. At that rate, the university would have a 5% acceptance rate. Suck it Princeton! Plus a clone is the perfect wingman at a college frat party.

4. Strange minority - Sure, everyone complains about affirmative action, but who could really deny an education to someone with a martian as a parent? Or perhaps youve been struck by lightning so many times your ethnicity is indiscernible. Is there a little box for that? I dont think so. Better yet, youre actually dead. You could conduct research at a top university while also providing material for your peers to study; no one loses when you admit the dead.

5. Shroud of mystery - This should be saved for an act of desperation, but still useful. If the admission committee comes across a mostly blank application, they will take a second look, just to confirm that someone actually had the balls to send in a blank application. Then in small print, they find the message "I used invisible ink." In reality, you didnt, but they cant know for sure now can they. Curiosity killed the cat, and by virtue the admissions people lose their jobs by admitting unqualified but uber-mysterious students. Like I said, desperation.

So there are my suggested qualities for admission into college, based on rigorous study and firsthand experience. For now, Ill pretend my SATs make me as special as my mother tells me.